Impatience is My Middle Name

I will never forget my first day as a freshman in high school, in particular in concert band. The band director asked each of us to stand up with our instruments and introduce ourselves. When it was my turn I stumbled as I rose and before I could even say a word he said, “Well I’m guessing your middle name isn’t Grace!” Needless to say Mr. Bailey was not a favorite teacher of mine and my freshman year was my last in band.

My parents did not give me a middle name—they said it took too long to agree on a first name so they just didn’t have the energy to go for a middle one. After that infamous first day of high school I decided I really should have a middle name. I thought it should be something French to go with Suzanne, like Michelle. I took it one step further and decided I needed to marry someone French so my entire name could be French. In my daydreams I was Suzanne Michelle Roget—yes after the thesaurus!!! Ooooooh-la-la!!!

This last week has been a difficult one and I’ve been thinking that if a middle name could be a temperament, a characteristic, or even a flaw like my band teacher thought it could be, then my middle name might as well be after the sin I struggle with the most—impatience. I have struggled with this sin for several years now and just can’t seem to get rid of it no matter how hard I try. I have even done the forbidden and prayed for God to give me patience! I continue to pray for this every single day of my life and of course I want it right now!

When God asked David and I to adopt, my first and only objection was that I didn’t want to bring any more children into our home for me to ruin with this sin like I have done with Riley, Luke, and Aubrey. Oh, I know I haven’t completely “ruined” them; they are terrific kids. Sadly though, they have been victims of my sin and as they get older I can hear that awful same sin coming out of their mouths and it grieves me to my very soul.

As always, God in His incomprehensible love and mercy is showing me that He is answering my prayer for patience in His gifts of Maria and Suzanna. He is using these precious girls, their brokenness, and my struggles to be the mother they so desperately need to refine and sanctify me. It does not feel good at all and of course it is not happening instantly like I want it to.

This morning, Pastor Ted, concluded a two-year verse-by-verse sermon series through the book of Romans. WOW!!! It has been phenomenal! We finished today with Romans 16: 21-27. Pastor Ted said that in Paul’s praise to the wise God he is telling us that only an infinite mind could ever have designed such a plan. Now I realize Pastor Ted and Paul are talking about God’s plan of redemption through His son Jesus Christ, but I also know that my sanctification is a part of His plan.

Philippians 1:6 says, “For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.” I fall to my knees in gratitude to God and His grace for choosing me to work with in the first place. I fall to my face as I realize He will not give up on me like I would have done long ago because I do not have the patience for people who can’t get it right the first time.

I would greatly appreciate your prayers, too, for my patience. I need it more and more every day and I truly do not want the sin of impatience to define me or any of my children.

“Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen.” Ephesians 3:20-21